If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
