you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
