I looked at my own cervix.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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