I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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