The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
