I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
