did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
