i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
