I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
