i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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