My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My dick has a subreddit
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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