So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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