THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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