I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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