Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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