I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
