So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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