I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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