I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
