I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
