so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Randomize
