Your face is a jimmy john
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
