all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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