dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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