I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
