after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
