He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
