in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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