I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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