Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
