Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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