my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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