it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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