I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
