i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
