3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
