can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
