I murdered the dance floor call the cops
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
i think i just lost a toe
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
