Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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