You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
