Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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