I bet he comes in French.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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