remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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