Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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