good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
