I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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