she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
