i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
