Did you just see the Batmobile???
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
