You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
