im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
