Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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