i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
