sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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