The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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