It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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