so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
