I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
