So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
