I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
