I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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